Canned Ham: How to Succeed

Better Success, well-wigged

I knew there was something holding me back. I guess the sideburns aren't doing it.

The Four-One-Nine

Yesterday was a big day for me. At around 11:30 am I received the following email:

JAPAN JUMBO DRAW
FOREIGN SERVICES MANAGER,
PLAZA DE MAR ZHENG HONG KONG
...
We happily announce to you the draw (#1035) of the JAPAN EMAIL PROMOTION LOTTERY, online Sweepstakes International program held today in OSAKA JAPAN. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 45375600545 188 with Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers(14,33,36,39,42,46)and bonus ball(13), which Subsequently won you the match 5 bonus prize in the 2nd category match 5 plus bonus .
You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of US$500,000,00 in cash (five Hundred Thousand, united state dollars) in cash credited to file ktu/9023118308/07.This is from a total cash prize of US$2,650,000.00 shared among the international winners in the Second category.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronic business Promotions Program.

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our CHINA booklet representative office in ASIA as indicated .In view of this, your US$500,000.00 ( five Hundred Thousand, united state dollars) would be released to you by any of our payment offices in ASIA as soon as possible.
Our CHINA agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your winning funds as soon as you fill the claims verification form below and send to him.
...
For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information Confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.
This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements. Be warned to file for your claim immediately.
To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please quote your reference/batch numbers in any correspondences with our designated agent or us.
Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program.
Thank you for being part of our promotional lottery program.

Ok...$500k comin' my way. That's pretty good news. You know, enough to make my day look darn good. By the afternoon, everything was looking pretty rosy.

But wait, the day gets better. At 2:30 pm, I received yet another fabulous email:

THE BEIJING 2008 PARTNERS
ASIA AND PACIFIC REGIONAL ANNEX
CORPORATIONS IN ASIA AND PACIFIC REGION
IN SUPPORT OF BEIJING 2008 OLYMPIC

Sir/Madam

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the ONE WORLD ONE DREAM 2008 BEIJING AWARD PRIZE programs conducted and finance by COMMITTEE OF MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS. IN ASIA AND PACIFIC REGIONS Your e-mail address was selected among the balloting done today in the control room , as to keep awareness of the celebration next year, you are also to have five tickets and free flight and hotel accommodation in the whole event
and your price amount is U.S..AD 500.000.00 (Five hundred thousand United States Dollars
As all the big multinational in Asia has join hand to make the event a success
to file your claim and booking contact your Asia accredited agent engr Lee Yang
and provide your details for your payment.

Let me tell you, I was flabbergasted. The second one is especially interesting with the Olympics taking place in Beijing...no doubt the Committee of Multinational Corporations (in Asia and Pacific Regions) is pulling out all the stops. They have to know the whole world is watching the games so they can't afford the promotion to be anything less than amazing.

I have to admit that I was a little stunned by the second email in that they say my price amount is U.S..AD 500.000.00. That seems a tad pricey. Had I not just won $500K in the Japan Jumbo Draw, I wouldn't even be able to consider the One World On Dream 2008 Beijing Award Prize. But, so help me, it's the least I can do if I can help all the big multinational in Asia to join hand to make the event a success.

Even Steven!

Canned Ham: Risky Business

This one comes from Victoria's Secret:

Try our pants risk free! Details inside.

I'm thinking they need to specify it's financially risk free. I'm pretty sure if I tried their pants...there would be all kinds of risk.

Canned Ham: Thanks, but no thanks.

Find out if Jerry is a real woman.

Hey, if it's that much of a mystery, I'll just pass.

Canned Ham: Alarming

Your neighbors lost their alarm-clock

Three words: NOT MY PROBLEM

Canned Ham: Conspiracy Theory

The Secrets to Aging

I'd really like to know about this big aging cover-up. I mean, I've managed to age but that was mostly due to my own tenacious hardheadedness about not wanting to be dead.

Surely there's an easier way. There's probably some suit in a high-rise office that's keeping it from us.

Canned Ham: Regular Users

This is a very special installment of the RetroBrett Canned Ham How it is special? Well, it's RetroBrett's very first SimulBlog. At the very time this Canned Ham is posted, my friend and fellow blogger over at Professional Cool is blogging about the very same subject. No, not about spam. Rather, he's blogging about the subject of this particular spam. That subject? Colon cleansers.

(America’s Favorite Colon Cleanse Try it Free)

Yes, America has spoken. In a poll of several hundred users of colon cleanser, this one was chosen as the least detestable of them all.

I also like that the subject is in parenthesis. It's like the email is sharing some kind of secret that only the "in people" know.

In related spam, I almost always delete any email coming from the sender Colon Flush. Ok, I always delete them.

Canned Ham: We all scream

Re: Be the a la mode with our cheapo watch.

I suppose if I were "a la mode" I could, technically, be "fashionable" or "stylish". Me? I'd prefer to think the a la mode version of myself to be pretty much the same as usual...but with ice cream.

Canned Ham: Too Little, Too Late

Seriously, I could've used this email about a century ago...I would've been very cutting edge.

20th Century Jobs are Now Available.

• Newsie
• Bodyguard for Warren G. Harding
• Crystal Pepsi taste tester
• Speakeasy Manger
• Gaslight lighter
• Telegraph Operator
  
• Cobbler
• IBM punch card operator
• Packard Mechanic

Canned Ham: Kohler than cool

During some previous home improvement project, I signed onto the Kohler Kitchen and Bath site to get diagrams of a particular faucet I was disassembling. As a results, I occasionally get emails from Kohler about new products, specials, etc. It's pretty standard stuff but the wording is often amusing. This one arrived just a couple minutes ago:

Make an artistic statement in the bathroom

Yeah. That's not art.

Canned Ham: Add this to my Christmas List

Take better pictures with a Cannon Camera

Is there such a thing as a Cannon Camera? If so, I needs me one. As for the "better pictures" part, I'm pretty they'd all end up featuring some kind explosion. Which, you know, would be pretty sweet.

Canned Ham: Once in a Lifetime

This one sounds rather ominous:

Live Complete Life Today!!

I mean, what if I want to live my complete life as it happens? Why rush it?

Go for their head,
Retro Brett

Canned Ham: Columbus Day

In honor of Columbus Day, I'm posting the spam I received last year at Columbus Day:

World isn't round. It's dirty!

I guess I'm not sure why the world can't be both round AND dirty.

Canned Ham: We should all contest this

I usually limit my collection of funny email subjects to only those that I receive as spam. This subject line represents one of the exceptions as it came from an apartment search/rating website that I used during our recent series of relocations.

Last Chance to Enter the Possession Obsession Contest

On the one hand, it's semi-funny. It's no Reportduckling or pain tolerance test but it's somewhat humorous to think of the possible meanings. I mean, do I win by being the most obsessed? Or, if the obsession the prize? Maybe the prize is an exorcism.

On the other hand, I actually find the subject line a tad offensive. Seriously, is this a contest glorifying possessions? Even glorifying obsession? Merriam-Webster defines obsession as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling". Is this something to praise? Maybe part of what disturbs me is that there are people actually playing this contest...though, I guess, many of us play the "possession obsession" game every day. I know I certainly do. After all, my previous most was about a collector car auction and a $650k Cobra.

Anyway, thanks, but no thanks.

Canned Ham: Excellent Timing

Short but sweet:

15 minutes is almost instant.

Almost instant, eh? I would say it's infinitely distant, time-wise, from instant but that's just me. Maybe it's a lot closer to being instant than, say, 16 minutes.

Canned Ham: Long Vowels

The school year is fast approaching. The family of a co-worker and friend of mine will actually be starting a homeschooling program this year. I'm excited to see how that turns out. I'm certain it will be a lot of work but, like many things that are hard work, it will be extremely rewarding.

This week's spam is only somewhat related to education but is pertinent because this same family just received their new Phonics book.

With talk or violent phonics

Canned Ham: I'm not the only one confused

This spam is a classic and always brings a puzzled smile to my face:

She will love you more than any other guy

What does that even mean? Who is she? Is she to love me more than she loves any other guy? Or, is she going to love me more than any other guy loves me? I don't even want to think about the latter option.

Canned Ham: Ouch

In my offering of the greatest spam email subject lines I've received, I need to note one thing: I am not correcting any spelling or other grammatical errors made in the text. Sometimes, those errors are the best part.

This one caught me off guard:

You missed your Pain tolerancy test on friday

Yeah, about that test, Doctor…I probably don’t need to reschedule that.

Who, exactly, was the sender trying to lure? Were they thinking they just might reach someone that really did miss a pain tolerance appointment?

Canned Ham

Like most people, I generally despise the junk email that fills my mailbox. So, I applaud the advancements made in targeting and filtering out such spam. Still, there's a part of me that misses some of the mail. That part of me...is the funny part of me.

I'd be fine with eliminating all spam were it not for the 1% of all these messages that actually brighten my day. These elite messages feature humorous, intriguing, and ofter downright confusing subject lines. Oh, I don't open the messages. I'm not crazy. But over the last several years, I've archived the best of the subject lines. That's where this blog comes in. It seems like the perfect place to share this tidbits of humor. I hope my 4 loyal readers enjoy them as much as I do.

Today, I bring to you the subject line that started it all: [drum roll]

Wonderful Dynamic Equity Reportduckling

I received this, interestingly, at a time while I was busy designing many, many reports for work. Anyway, what's a "Reportduckling"? Why are they dynamic? Equity? To all these questions, I answer "Idunno". In any case, here's a nice Report Duckling sketch drawn by a friend of mine.