Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Dr. Meg Meeker

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know
by Dr. Meg Meeker
Ballantine Books
0345499395

As you may or may not know, we recently welcomed a new baby girl to our family. I'm also the first to admit that I don't know the first thing about girls. Never have. In raising our daughter, I need whatever help I can get.

I heard about Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know via Dave Ramsey's recommended reading list. Reading it was an eye-opening experience for me. I told my wife that it made me want to lock up all our kids (girls and boys) until they were thirty. There are a lot of scary, scary things in the world. It's a predatory society in which we live. And I am only partly talking about people deliberately trying to harm your daughter. But that's far from everything. On top of the obvious threats, it's clear that the world does not have the best interests of your child in mind. Kids are exposed to adulthood far too early. They play grown-up before they can even begin to understand what that means.

While I don't promote living in a constant state of paranoia, I really don't promote naivety. Kids--yes, even teens--are not grown ups. They need guidance. They need protection. Providing these things are the job of the parent. If the parent doesn't, someone else will. Kids will look to celebrities, friends, other parents, Victoria's Secret, and any number of other sources to decide what adulthood is. We can't trust those sources. And we can't expect politicians (despite their banner waving) or teachers to raise our kids. They can't. And it's not their job.

There's really too much for me to cover in any sort of detail. The table of contents hits the big points:

1. You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life
2. She Needs a Hero
3. You Are Her First Love
4. Teach Her Humility
5. Protect Her, Defend Her
6. Pragmatism and Grit: Two of Your Greatest Assets
7. Be the Man You Want Her to Marry
8. Teach Her Who God Is
9. Teach Her to Fight
10. Keep Her Connected

Raising kids is a big task. It cannot be done with passivity. Man up. Yeah...I said that.

And God help the kid that tries to date my baby girl.

Goals Twenty-Ten

I welcome 2010. I'm going to own 2010. I think it's going to be a good year.

Like so many others at this time of year, I'm putting together some goals for the future. Goals have been a popular subject on the Dave Ramsey show recently. You can read/listen to a recent call about goal setting here. It was a good call. Dave identified several categories for goal setting: Career, Financial, Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical, and Family. I've given these some thought and here's my initial list. I'll leave them open to ongoing review.

Career

• Do something with those picture books I've written. Write that cover letter. Send it out. That fits under Career, right?.

Financial

• Tweak our envelope system. Already done.
• Bump up college savings.
• Replenish our savings (just bought a new HVAC system for the house...ouch).
• Work on long range savings (vacation, car, etc).

Spiritual

• Finish this read-through of the Bible.

Intellectual

• Dig into my non-fiction reading list. At least one per month. Probably two with some fiction thrown in.

Physical

• Run a local 5k trail run in the spring.
• Put on another 10-15 pounds.

Family

• Family/Couples Devotions. Also falls under Spiritual
• Family Vacation!

A less tangible goal for the year would be to pursue my strengths. That is, spend less time worrying about my weaknesses and, instead, invest more into what I do well. That doesn't mean I'll slack off on things I don't enjoy activities where I don't feel gifted. I just not worry about it as much. God gave me my strengths for a reason.

The real question, of course, is whether I'll follow through with this goals.

Updates

So I haven't really been feeling the blog lately. I've had a lot of other things going on and keeping the blog updated hasn't exactly been a high priority. Here's a couple quick on various aspects of my life:

1. The family is awesome. Jonah had some stomach funkiness a few weeks ago but he's over that. He's rolling over now and even eating rice cereal. He's growing so fast. Jesse is picking up new words all that time. More than that, he's starting to put them together in actual sentences. We've been participating in MOPS date night recently. Ok, only once so far as the MOPS season has just started. But we're really liking that. If you're not familiar with it, it's kind of like a babysitting co-op. There are 18 couples working together and every couple weeks, three of the couples watch the kids of the other 15. Through the 18 week schedule, I think we'll work three and have 15 date nights of our own. I would highly recommend that kind of thing to parents.



2. Reading. I've read a lot of 007 books by Ian Fleming lately: Casino Royale, The Spy Who Loved Me, For Your Eyes Only, and one whose title would likely bump the blogs rating up a bit (Bond fans, you know what I'm talking about). They've all been a blast to read. They'd better be or would've been silly for me to read so many. The 007 books are a lot different the movies. Much more realistic. It's funny to see the covers of the books and their portrayal of the scantily clad woman when you know that it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual writing. I think they're just trying to play up the relationship to the movies. I also read Men and Cartoons by Jonathan Lethem. It's a collection of short stories in several genres. All were interesting and fun to read.

3. I've been exercising more. Ok, not necessarily more but definitely with more intensity. I'm putting a more concerted effort into it. For me, that planning, simplification, and turning off the television while I work out. It makes a big difference. I feel better and the bathroom scale has me slowly inching back up to my college weight.

4. Speaking of college, I went rock climbing with a couple college buddies at Climb Time this past weekend. It was the third time I've gone and the second time I've gone with this two friends. It is really a lot of fun. We had a good showing and we all successfully climbed walls that we really didn't think we'd do. There is one section of evil blue wall that I could never get. Next time, Blue! Anyway, I'm definitely feeling it in my forearms. I'm also feeling a nice bruise on my knee and another on my chest.

5. My priorities seem to be in a constant state of flux. Without going into too much detail, the shortness and preciousness of life have really been at the forefront of my mind lately. I'm not sure how I'll use that just yet. Part of me says "Why mess around with saving for retirement when I can enjoy things now? To heck with my Roth IRA, I'm buying an Alfa Romeo." But I also know that's not entire healthy. I'll keep you posted. And, if I get an Alfa, I'll take pictures.

Later.

Giving up

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker the other day. It began with a discussion about debt and the desire to get out and keep out of debt. My anti-debt feelings should be no surprise to the readers of my blog. Anyway, the discussion eventually transitioned to things less tangible than family budgets. Most notably, we discussed how the handling of our resources reflected our faith, our general view of the world, and our feelings about our place in the world. It was an appropriate conversation with the with the holidays and holiday gift-giving/receiving coming up. That conversation also introduced me to the Junky Car Club. Check that out sometime.

Anyway, I shared part of my gradually developing story. Over the last two years, my wife and I have worked hard to clean house. Now I won't go into the anti-debt-speech as I've done that several times before. Beyond that, though, I've been working to run a tighter ship. That sounds vague, I know. What I mean is that I've been trying to concentrate my time, money, and effort on those things that mean most to me. What am I passionate about? It's really been an exercise in saying no. As a result, there have been a few hobbies like woodworking, sculpting, and Flash animation that haven't received a lot of attention lately. On the other hand, I've been able to focus my attention on other things like drawing. I miss those things and do expect to get back to them but it might not be for awhile. As it was, keeping everything on the plate meant that I couldn't really focus on anything.

I read an article quite awhile ago (it's been on my to-blog list for a long time) . Essentially, it discusses how we, as humans, tend to place a higher value on things simply because those things are ours. That is, once something is in our possession, we're suddenly more zealous in keeping it that we ever were to get it. It's probably best to use a for instance. I have a old Huffy banana-seat bicycle. It's metallic green, has a sparkly green vinyl seat, sparkly hand grips, and is, overall, flippin' sweet. I picked it up at Goodwill several years ago. Here's the thing...I really can't ride it. Seriously, the wheels are 20". It's made for a kid and it's downright painful for my 6'+ frame to ride it. I could sell it for more money than I'd realistically pay for it now. But I keep it around because it's mine and it's cool. Well, I was keeping it around. Its up for sale now. I'm saying no to cluttering up the garage. It'll be sad to see it go but I really won't miss it.


Wow. Talk about a lack of focus...

Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood

Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood
by Robert Lewis
Focus
ISBN 1589973097

I have two sons. One will be two years old in November. The other was born just this past May. Raising these two guys is painfully important to me. And I deliberately use the work painfully as is pains me to think about the consequences if I don't raise them to the very best of my ability. I guess that concern is a good starting point but I want more.

Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood by Robert Lewis was mentioned in a conversation with a coworker and I am grateful for that. I appreciate that mention as I really, really liked this book.

As you would expect from the title, Lewis uses the idea of medieval knighthood as an ongoing analogy. The romanticized/idealized knight of olde was a chivalrous, honorable, courageous man in an age wrought with greed and darkness. But these knights didn't just become knights. It required years of teaching and training. There was a defined process. There was a ceremony to mark knighthood. Similarly, we can't expect our boys to simply become men. Manhood, in Western society, is very, very different. Genuine manhood is not something that's often actively taught, or even defined. The concept is clouded in ambiguity. What is a man? How does a man act? When does a boy become a man? Sons need guidance and direction.

That direction comes from scripture and Lewis draws heavily on the Bible to define manhood and how a man should act. He details what's missing from Western culture and lays out a plan for fathers wanting to raise sons to be Godly men. The overarching theme is that Dad's need to be deliberate in their fatherhood. Pulling directly from Lewis, men reject passivity, accept responsibility, lead courageously, and expect the greater reward. This is how men should act and this is how men address fatherhood. This is how fathers remove the ambiguity regarding manhood. This is how our sons know we truly care about their growth.

I also liked the Lewis is a big supporter of ceremonies. Similar to a page becoming a squire and a squire becoming a knight, fathers ought to mark a son's transitional periods. When a squire was knighted, there was no uncertainty as to what was happening. The new knight was honored and celebrated. Similarly, we should celebrate our sons. We remove yet another ambiguity. With a ceremony, sons know their lives are changing. If marking a transition to manhood, they know they're putting away their childish ways. They know that, going forward, they'll be expected to act like a man and they'll be treated as a men. Investing time and effort into this will prove to them that it's the big deal that it should be. They will want to meet those expectations.

There is so, so much more I could write here but you're much better off just reading the book. I've taken it to heart. While my sons are very young and I'm a little limited in what I can explicitly teach them (we have worked on a couple of the Biblical ideals -- kindness and perseverance) -- defined by Lewis) , I know the other things will come soon enough. My first step, though, is to be the kind of man I want my sons to be. My boys are watching how I live with incredible closeness. They're learning from me without my sitting down and directly instructing them...maybe more from my example than anything I'll teach.

While it was definitely written for the father raising his sons, I really think it has a lot to offer others. Fathers of daughters. Husbands. Singles. Women.

If you'd like a second, better written review, check this one out at John Calvin's Ghost.

Book Review: Wild At Heart by John Eldredge

It’s not often I start a book and don’t finish it. Wild at Heart by John Eldredge is an exception in that way. As it is, I got 30 pages into Wild at Heart and had to stop. Seriously, I had to stop. There is something to be said for reading challenging texts and I strongly encourage the seeking of challenges. But Wild at Heart isn’t challenging…at least not a positive way.

Interesting, though, how timing sometimes works. I had starting writing a scathing review of Eldredge and Wild At Heart last week and I was all set to polish it up and post it today. Then we went to church (Northview Christian Life) and the sermon touched on the topic of criticism and some of its consequences. It made me rethink just how harsh I wanted to be. Particularly within the venue of an almost wholly one-sided blog.

There are plenty of other online reviews of Wild At Heart and I doubt mine would have had all that much to add. Note: if you search for reviews on Wild At Heart do not stop with the reader reviews on Amazon. Dig for more thorough, scripture-based reviews. There is a huge difference.

Would I recommend the book to others? Not likely. Especially in light of all the other terrific, more complete, and less flawed books available. I, for one, picked up John Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Life and, so far, so good.

2 New Goals

I have a number goals and I think I may have touched on them in the past. Many of them deal with family, work, time management, health, my ability to do (or not do) a handstand, etc. You know, the standard New Year's Resolution type of things. Recently, I've added a couple new goals:

1. Read more.
And I don't mean just staring at a page. I really want to dig into the text. Specifically, I want to devote more effort to reading the Bible but it applies to other things as well. I think this will also force me to be more discriminating in what I read. This side effect will come up more in my upcoming review of John Eldredge's book, Wild At Heart.

2. Pray constantly.
I have a horrible habit of hearing a prayer need, noting it for future reference, and failing to ever actually pray on the need. Anyway, I'm working on praying immediately when a need is recognized. This one is actually reasonably easy as the prayer often takes the same time and effort as making the mental note.

Book Review: Perelandra by C.S. Lewis

First, a note…Perelandra is the second book in C.S. Lewis’ space trilogy. The first being titled Out of the Silent Planet and the third being That Hideous Strength. I have read but have not reviewed the first book. I should but it's been a couple months since I finished it. I would, however, highly recommend reading it.

So, Perelandra…wow. This is a powerful book. Reading it took me a long time—not because I didn’t like it or because it was “slow” but because I could only read a few pages until my brain felt overwhelmed. It’s deep. It’s difficult. It’s incredibly fulfilling. Many parts I had to reread…sometimes because I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was being said but, other times, because I simply enjoyed the story and the writing. After every stint at reading Perelandra, I felt spent. Like I'd been tensed up for the duration.

Essentially, Perelandra is an Adam and Eve story. Without giving away too much, the main character, Ransom, is transported to a “new” planet. There he meets the planet’s Eve. Not only that, he meets Eve’s tempter. The dialog between Ransom, Eve, and the evil one is fascinating and it goes a long way to putting into words the temptations we face everyday.

[Warning: slight spoiler ahead]

I also found it…invigorating, I guess…that the evil one is not defeated (and Eve saved) by Ransom’s human reasoning. No. Ransom, empowered by God, thrashes the evil one. It’s a throw down. A slug fest you might see in Rocky or Rocky II. Probably Rocky III. The fight in Rocky IV is pretty good, too. Anyway, not all battles with the evil one are nicey-nice, intellectual debates. He's the great deceiver and his lies can be incredibly convincing. Don't think Satan will hesitate to fight dirty. It's his forte. But, with God, we can take what Satan dishes out. We win.

Of course, if you read the book, you'll have to supply your own Survivor music.

Dedication

We celebrated our infant dedication this past Saturday at our church home of Northview Christian Life. It was an extremely moving experience. More than once I could feel the tears welling up and I had to simply bow my head in awe. Taking that public step--with Jesse’s grandparents, great grandparents, and several family friends (not to mention several hundred semi-strangers) to witness it--meant a lot to us. It was a terrific way to welcome the Mother’s Day weekend.

It's called a baby dedication but it's really more of a parent dedication. It really is a demonstration of our willingness and commitment to raise Jesse to be the Godly man the world so desperately needs. Ultimately, it’s a showing of our desire to raise Jesse in such a way that, one day, he can choose to commit himself to God. While the public statement was awesome. I have a similar routine almost nightly. I hold my main man in my arms and say a prayer with him just before bedtime. Sometimes he's asleep. Sometimes he's trying to grab my glasses. Anyway, I pray for God’s blessing, guidance, and wisdom in raising Jesse. I pray for the courage to take the actions God requires of me. I pray for God’s protection over Jesse and his Mommy. I pray for the little man’s health and growth. I pray for a good night’s rest for all three of us. And I pray for a night devoid of leaky diaper (only for Jesse).

It's a big deal.

A Prayer

The purpose of this post is twofold. First, it's of a purging of what I've been unable to voice. Secondly, I had the opportunity to say a prayer amongst a group of friends over this past weekend. We'd just attended the funeral of a very close friend and there were a lot things I wanted to say. Once I started, the tears welled up and I sputtered through something that was altogether shorter and crammed with "ums" and "ahs". I'm certain God knows what was on my heart and I'm pretty sure my friends knew what I intended. Still, if the gang is reading this, it may clear up what was previous masked by my quivering lower lip. I apologize for the butchered wording and grammar. I'd like to think God won't deduct points for sentence splices, fragments, and punctuation.

Likewise, I'm not going to pretend to be a theologian and I hope my thoughts and beliefs are not completely ungrounded.

Father,

I come to you flooded with emotions. I'm in shock. Overwhelmed. I'm triply hurt. I hurt for BK, beautiful, fiery BK. I hurt for BT, a friend so much stronger than I. And I hurt because my BSU friends...people who have gotten me through some of the darkest periods in my life...people I love and consider family...people I would do anything for...are hurting. The tears come so easily. My foundation has been shaken.

Lord, I'm afraid. Afraid of such circumstances that can take someone so young and so valuable so quickly. Afraid that such a tragedy could happen to anyone. Afraid of how fragile something so precious as life can be.

Lord, there are few things that really anger me. But I am furious right now. Angry at the fallen world so full of peril. And I'm angry at you, Father. I feel you've stolen a friend! Because of you, another friend is now a widower. I feel you've personally attacked my family! Finally, I'm angry that I am completely powerless.

As strange as it may sound to many, Father, I take comfort in you. Through your son, Jesus Christ, you conquered death. Even in death, there is hope. The spirit lives on and death is a mere affliction of the earthly body. In fact, death is often referred to in scripture as nothing more than sleeping. While accepting that is so much easier said than done...especially in this time of darkness...I'm comforted in knowing BK is no longer troubled by the suffering of this world. In Luke 23:43, Jesus tells the thief "today you will be with me in paradise." There was no delay. As I type this, I have little doubt BK is in paradise. Likewise, I am comforted by the belief that, one day, our BSU family will be united in full. Matthew 8:11 states many "shall sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven". If I will recognize and with Abraham...why not the gang? Perhaps we're share some world-infamous "Out of Bounds" nachos. On second thought, perhaps we'll skip the nachos.

I lift up BK's family. I especially pray for You to bring peace and healing to BT. As overwhelmed as I am, they are going through so much more. Father, bless my friends with your healing. Give us comfort. Give us peace. Help us to come to terms with what has happened. Allow us to move from dwelling on this tragedy to remembering BK for her laugh, her joy, her strength, and even her southern phrases that made so little sense to us. Guide us to where we can be thankful for the few blessed years we had with BK. Help us to cherish the moments we have with each other.

I wonder want BK would think of this grief. Would she think it silly. Would she prefer a party to the Beatles over sobbing to a hymn.

Amen.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:22


He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; - Isaiah 25: 8a

Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God Who gave it. - Ecclesiastes 12:7

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." - Luke 23:43

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. - 2 Corinthians 5:1

The parable of the rich man and Lazarus. - Luke 16: 19-31

And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. - Matthew 8:11